Recently, I went to a party where I met some really interesting, awesome people. One of them expressed an interest in pursuing a relationship with me. Of course, I said “No” as vehemently as I could manage. I am in a place in my life where I want to focus on work, and sex and relationships isn’t part of that paradigm at the moment.
He asked me several times, with varying arguments. He didn’t want children or a long-term relationship. Just a chance to know me better.
The reality is that relationships are messy and they bring up a lot of stuff for an INFJ like me, which I would rather keep in a tiny box in the crevices of my heart, closed and away from myself. I don’t want to think about that stuff. It scares me, because it is something that can break apart this nice little confining life that I have created for myself. It could make my life messy and that is unacceptable to me.
Break Down Walls If Given A Chance
I was journaling over that over the week, and I realized that I am creating walls around myself that are absolutely unnecessary. I am creating them because I feel like I am protecting my sanity, but I am also preventing myself from accessing growth that is absolutely crucial for a feeling human being like me.
These walls are keeping awesome experiences, and spontaneous connections away from me. They are not supposed to do that. They are there to protect us, of course. But they are not there to keep us from experiencing the wide spectrum of life and emotions that is available to us as humans.
I remembered this lesson for myself. I girded my loins and pulled up his profile on Facebook Messenger. Then, with a whole lot of courage, I broke down the walls, and asked him out to dinner.
Even if I am rejected, and even if it results in heartbreak, at least I am not living in a prison of my own creation.